Wednesday, April 20, 2016

My Story

Some of the things that were said on panel today kind of hit home for me, especially what our classmate had to say about her marriage.  She was saying the same things that I had gone through when I was 18-19 years old.  I don't want to sound terrible, but it was comforting to hear that someone had also been through what happened to me.  What she said about someone having a psychological hold on you and then they've got you is too true.  BTW- Thank you for sharing.  I appreciate it:)

I don't talk about my story that much because I think of it as a more embarrassing time in my life when I completely lost who I was.  I hate bringing thinking about it because I was so stupid in that time of my life where I was doing things that I never would have ever thought I would have done.

I met a guy (a very short bull rider) when I was 18.  I had been friends with his little brother for the longest time, and eventually I started talking to his older brother and ended up dating him.  The first few weeks were good, but then things started to get really weird.  He also lived in a town near Dallas, so he was pretty far away.  We would spend all of our time talking on the phone, to where he would call while I was at lunch at school and pull me away from my friends.  If I didn't answer the phone, he said that he would break up with me.  I don't know why I cared, but for some reason I did.  Anyone else, I had been with before, I would have been like "bye!" but this was different and I didn't know why.  He would tell me he would drive down to see me if I paid for his gas.  One year for my birthday, my parents and family had given me money as a present.  He told me that if I wanted him to come down for my b-day, I would need to pay for him using my birthday money.  And I did.  I have no idea what I was thinking looking back on this time.  I remember one time, he told me that I needed to drive up to come see him no matter what, so I drove up there and ended up not having any money or gas to get home on, and he was so mad that he had to pay for my gas to go home.

As our "relationship" went on, things got worse.  I could not hang out with my friends or he would get mad.  I couldn't spend time with my parents unless I was on the phone with him or if I didn't answer, he would call he a whore because he thought I was doing things with other guys.  He also talked bad about my family and there were things that caused a lot of stress in my whole family.  There was even a really awkward situation with my "aunt by marriage" because she was really nosey and ended up telling everyone I knew stories because she was friends with his mother.  As if the situation was not bad enough being psychologically/emotionally abused by this boy, members of my own family were turning against me and saying things behind my back.

I argued with my parents at this time, took money from my mom's purse for him, and spent every hour on the phone with him (even when I was sleeping).  If the phone disconnected, he would call back and yell at me at 1:00 in the morning.  It sounds ridiculous, but it was what was happening at the time.  I almost ran away with him at one point, but thank goodness I still had a little bit of practicality to me and decided that that would not be a good idea.

There was a time when we went hunting and he found out that I was conversing to a guy I went to school with as friends.  He somehow got access to my phone bill and all the calls I made and would question everything.  When we were out there, he got upset and put a pistol in his mouth right in front of me and said that he was going to kill himself.  He didn't, but just seeing that was scary to a 19 year old away from home with no parents.  When I think about it, he easily could have pointed the gun at me.  It was never a safe situation.  There was one night where he punched me in the face. On a good day, he would "compliment" my butt by saying that I needed a beeper for when I packed up.  I wonder where my body issues came from.

One night, I got in an argument with my parents about him (which my parents and I have always been really close, so for some boy to come in-between us was very strange).  I yelled at my dad and he got up off the couch and grabbed me by the shirt and said "What in the hell is wrong with you?  This is not you!"  My dad had NEVER put his hands on me before then and I do not blame him now for pulling me up and giving me the what for.  I probably could have used that a couple more times.  My mom would sit with me when I was crying about whatever and she actually filmed the talks we had and played them to me later so I could see how miserable I was.  Again, at that time, I could not see it.

There is so much more that happened at this point in life, but the good thing is that I got out of it.  One day, I woke up and decided that it was all bullshit.  I remember that morning waking up and things were literally brighter.  Colors were brighter, I felt different (like my usual confident self) and I was over it.  I told him to F off, I didn't care what he did or how he felt, but I was done.  I then changed my number for the last time (I had changed it twice before then) and started reaching out to my friends and reconnecting.  There are still some people that I have to this day not reached out to because I am still embarrassed about what I went through and I don't know how to explain it.  I know I don't have to, but my pride is still really hurt from that time.

After that, I had a few short relationships, but I made sure that everything that happened was on MY terms.  If I didn't like something, I was out.  I took total control.  Until I met my betrothed who totally gets me.  I love him more than anything and he understands and gets what I went through.  

My mom and I still talk about some of the things that happened and I still don't have an explanation of how and why a BOY made me change who I was entirely.  That altered my life in so many ways, but I made it out.  I always say, "I saw the light."  Again, things were literally brighter when I got out.

Again, thank you all for sharing your stories today.  I am not a person that likes to talk about what happened, but nothing has really hit home like the things that were said today.

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