Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Yes I do eat, mind your own business

So I thought my last blog was going to be about how much I loved the class and how it taught me so many things but I really need to get something else off my chest that I never discuss. Today in class when the question came up about ever being called fat I was not one of the people who walked to the other side. I have never been called fat and I was so embarrassed that I was not walking across the classroom. But then I realized that as a skinny person I face lots of judgement and backhanded comments and I was really mad that there was no question about ever being called something bad for being skinny. During my freshman year in college (I am a junior right now) I lost a lot of weight. The transition to college was hard and I had a really bad car accident that took me a long time to overcome. When I was in high school I had really big cheeks and I thought I weighed what was "normal". However after losing weight none of my clothes fit, shopping gave me anxiety because nothing I liked fit and my cheeks were gone. Everyone that knew me would say "oh my gosh you are disappearing", "you need to eat is your mom not feeding you", "here have this bag of chips you need to gain weight", "I wish I could give you some of my weight", "are you sick?", "you used to have such nice legs/body/butt what happened?!". I would be so upset because I knew that if I told someone to stop eating everyone would be upset about it but when someone told me to eat everyone agreed. Or if someone called me bony I was supposed to take it as a compliment. It got to the point that when I went to the doctor I would ask if my weight was a problem hoping she would say I was sick and would give me some pill to gain weight, but I was always told I was healthy. I have always been one of those people who eats A LOT at all times of the day so during that time I found myself eating when I was not hungry because I desperately wanted to gain weight. To this day I still look back at pictures from high school and cry because I want to be that person again. When I switched jobs last year to a desk work job I was so excited because I was going to be eating out everyday and sitting all day which was perfect for gaining weight. Sophomore year I had a PFW class for running and I swear I would go eat a burger after afraid that I had lost weight by running a mile. My mom was no help whatsoever. She would compare me to my younger sister saying she had more weight on her than I did or she would tell family members that I used to have a perfect body as if saying "wait! she can do better than this!". I really did think that I was doing something wrong. I have come a long way since freshman year but I still have a few pounds to go to be back at my high school weight. However I am no longer as desperate as I used to be. I'm not afraid of weight scales anymore. I find extreme happiness in finding a dress that fits just right. When the two other girls in class spoke up about it I felt connected to them in some way because I knew exactly what they were talking about. People are always talking about having positive body image for curvy people but in doing so they sometimes take down skinny people. Sorry this turned out to be long but I really needed to say all of that because I never have because I'm afraid that it may be taken wrong. Well, thanks for a great semester and good luck on finals!

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